


Persistent Fears

by Keirra



Series: Swtor Prompts and Shorts [8]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Comfort, F/M, Mando and Jedi, Nightmares, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 21:45:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14627661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keirra/pseuds/Keirra
Summary: Noara has been having nightmares in the aftermath of Valakorian's defeat, she had been dealing with them alone but tonight she needs a little help convincing herself it isn't real.





	Persistent Fears

Noara’s blood turned to ice as soon as she walked out onto the platform. She was only able to take a few steps before her entire body had frozen over, stopped still by the sudden wave of terror that was threatening to drown her.

Vaylin was there, an almost tangible aura of darkness surrounding her, but that wasn’t the source of Noara’s terror.

That was Torian, disarmed and on his knees in front of the Empress of Zakuul. He was in danger, completely at the woman’s non-existent mercy.

Noara barely heard Vaylin’s demand to speak with her father, the evil spirit that clung to her mind like a parasite, because she was so fixated on Torian. He was staring at her, his dark blue eyes felt like a vibroblade to her chest-a painful accusation of her failings.

She had made a choice, and she didn’t choose him. She ignored her heart crying out for him, demanding that she rush to his side as soon as she heard he needed help. She was so sure she could be fast enough, good enough, to save both of them but like so many other times in her life she was too late.

And now they were less than 20 feet apart and she wasn’t brave enough to close the distance between them.

Her attempt to get him away from Vaylin, insisting that she couldn’t speak to her father until Torian was released, fell on deaf ears. Noara watched, still frozen with fear, as Vaylin lifted Torian into the air and threw him across the platform.

As he struck the stone floor hard, groaning in pain, it was like the ice in her blood suddenly thawed enough for her body to move again. She didn’t remember running to his side but she was suddenly kneeling next to him and feeling so much relief she could cry. He was close enough to touch, close enough she could protect him. She reached for him, his name a soft sigh on her lips, and then Vaylin twisted her hand.

The cacophony of sound in the air, the soundtrack of war, cut out and in the stillness all Noara could hear was the resounding crack of his neck snapping. The sound cut her to the core as she stared down at his lifeless eyes staring back at her. She reached for him, her hands trembling, desperate to have her hands on him, desperate to search for a pulse - even as her mind told her she wouldn’t find one.

Before her fingers found his neck Noara woke up with a strangled gasp, chest heaving as she tried to control her breathing, and her face wet with tears. Even as her breath evened out, while she concentrated on breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly, the terror from her dream stayed with her.

It had felt so real, it always felt real. It wasn’t a new nightmare but instead one that had plagued her ever since that final showdown with Vaylin. Her worst fear come to light.

Losing Torian.

His death, playing out much like Vette’s had - and that was another source of pain and guilt for her with nightmares all it’s own- haunted her sleep most nights.

But every time, before she could touch him, she woke up gasping for air. Before she knew if he was truly dead, and that fear that she wouldn’t find a pulse followed her into the waking world every time. Despite the cold of her room, carved into the mountain side they built the Alliance base on, she was drenched in sweat and her pillow soaked with her tears.

Noara pushed herself back to lean against her headboard, arms wrapped tightly around herself and sobbed as fresh tears made their way down her face. She didn’t know what to do anymore. Just like how her feelings of attraction for Torian were not responding to her attempts to meditate them away, neither was her fear and anxiety of having almost lost him.

Not for the first time she wanted to curse her Jedi upbringing, they told her all emotion could be released into the Force but she was finding that to be a lie.

Or she was a worse Jedi than she thought.

Either way she couldn't stop her tears or the racing of her heart as a voice in the back of her mind gave voice to her fears. She tried to dismiss them, repeating the first line of the Jedi Code like a mantra in response to each whisper of her fear.  

_He’s gone._

“There is no emotion, there is peace.”

_He’s dead._

“There is no emotion, there is peace.”

_He’ll leave and you’ll never see him again._

“There is no emotion, there is peace.”

_You’ll never know if he could care about you too._

“There is no emotion, there is peace.”

_He has already left you._

That one broke the cycle, sending her finally calmed breath stuttering as that thought sunk in. What if he had left? A part of her knew that was impossible, that he would never do that, but the fear and anxiety was louder-drowning out her more logical thoughts.

She had to know. She had to see him or she knew she wouldn’t be able to calm herself.

Noara wasn’t used to being this emotional and irrational, and it wasn’t something she enjoyed but there was no other way she knew of to deal with it.

She climbed out of bed and pulled on her shoes. It was a colder night so she had gone to bed in a part of loose pants and a shirt, but she still slipped a brown Jedi robe she rarely wore over her pajamas before leaving her room.

It was the middle of the night so there weren’t many people around to see her slinking through the hallways towards the barracks Torian slept in. She had offered, even insisted, that he was entitled to his own room as her official liaison with the Mandalorians and adviser but he refused. Said something about having slept in tents and barracks for most of his life and didn’t know why he would need his own private room just to sleep and dress.

Now she was grateful for his refusal, since he shared sleeping quarters with others her stopping in quietly was less likely to rouse him. She could just as easily be one of his roommates coming to bed, albeit very late.

When she reached his door, her resolve wavered. Her fingers were resting against the control panel, all it would take was a small shift of pressure to open the door.

“What are you doing Noara?” she asked herself, sighing heavily. Maybe it’s time to just admit it, she thought as the traced the edges of the control panel with a fingertip. I’m broken and I don’t know how to fix that.

She had wanted so much for her fluctuating and uncontrollable emotions to be due to Valkorian’s presence. That he was unbalancing her and once he was gone she would be the same as she always was. She didn’t have perfect control before, but she had a measure of it she couldn’t muster anymore.  

Noara knew she should walk away. That she should swing by the infirmary and see about getting something to help her sleep. She probably should have asked Sana-Rae about mind healing weeks ago.

But she wasn’t sure she could afford to. Admitting weakness, when the Alliance needed her to help rebuild the galaxy could make everything crumble.

She definitely missed the days when she dreamed of being a simple Jedi Knight, running errands and missions for the Republic and Jedi Council.

I should go back to bed, she decided. Maybe things wouldn’t look so hopeless in the morning. But as she turned to go the memory of Torian’s eyes, glassy and unseeing, staring up at her as she reached for his pulse flashed in front of her eyes.

Before thinking about it, she pressed the button and the door slid open before her.

Just a quick look, she thought, just to ease my mind and then we will go. She wrapped her robe tightly around her, so the edges wouldn’t brush against the floor and make any noise, and stepped into the barracks as quietly as she could.

Torian had chosen one of the smaller barracks, only eight beds in total, and thankfully had one of the beds closest to the door. She knew he did that purposely, if there was a call to action while he slept he wanted to be as close as possible to the door but tonight it aided her purpose. Taking care to step as softly as possible she moved next to his bed, fully intending to just see him - breathing and alive - and go but couldn’t stop herself from falling to her knees when she did see him through the darkness.

For a brief moment she couldn’t see him breathing and the fear from her nightmare reared it’s ugly head, then he shifted in his sleep to lie on his back. The relief, so like what she felt in her dream when she was in almost the same position next to him, brought tears to her eyes that she didn’t bother to wipe away.

Instead she looked at him, taking in how relaxed he looked in this moment and how different that was from the vision of him dead before her, for a minute before she dropped her head to rest it against the edge of his mattress.

“You’re okay,” she whispered, “thank the Force. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

“Noara?”

She jolted upright only to find herself face to face with Torian, who was looking at her sleepily. It was easy to tell when he noticed her appearance, not properly dressed, hair down and face clean of makeup because he was suddenly alert.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, keeping his voice low to avoid waking any of his roommates. “You’re crying?”

Noara was on her feet in a flash, backing away from his bed toward the door. Torian sat up as she moved, confusion clear on his face even in the dark room.

“Sorry,” she said quickly before fleeing out of the room.

Torian caught up to her before she made it to the end of the hallway, having obviously just jumped out of bed to pursue her. His hair was messy from sleep, and he was both shirtless and barefoot. He caught her wrist and stopped her, pulling her slightly towards him and around to face him.

“Noara tell me what’s wrong,” he said, his voice filled with concern.

She looked up at him and immediately dropped her gaze to the floor, cheeks burning with embarrassment-both at being caught and his state of undress. She had seen shirtless men before, it was just one of those things that happened but she’d never seen Torian shirtless despite having imagined what it might look like.

Her imagination did not do him justice.

“It’s nothing, I’m sorry I woke you," she said, trying her best to control the emotion thick in her voice. "You should just go back to bed. I’m fine.”

Torian lifted her chin with his hand so he can see her face, “heard you say something about losing me, not knowing what you’d do. It’s late and you’re crying. Please talk to me, you can trust me you know.”

She took a half step closer to him, “I do trust you. I didn’t mean for you to hear any of that, I just needed to know.”

When she didn’t continue, Torian gave her a pointed look she recognized and she sighed.

“I had a nightmare,” her voice is little more than a whisper but sounds loud in the empty hallway, “I have them all the time and it always feels so real that sometimes I need to confirm that they aren’t memories instead.”

Torian frowned in concern, “what do you have nightmares about?”

She shrugged, “lots of things. Revan. Ziost. Valkorian. Slowly dying in carbonite. Falling to the Dark. People I want to protect dying.”

Her voice trailed off and the silence around them was heavy with the implications of her words. Torian had known she had trouble sleeping sometimes, but he didn’t know it was nightmares or that they were so numerous and varied.

He almost didn't want to ask, but he needed to know.

“And your dream tonight?” He asked carefully.

Noara gulped, wrapping her arms around herself and rubbing her arms.

“The fight with Vaylin, she killed you, right in front of me the way she did Vette.” Her eyes started to water again as she remembered her dream, “it felt so real Torian I just couldn’t calm down without knowing for sure you were alive. I thought you were _dead_.” Her voice cracked on the last word and her tears started again.

Noara felt so ashamed. Torian knew she wasn’t always as collected as she pretended to be, and this was hardly the first time he had seen a crack in her armor, but over a nightmare? Scared and crying in the middle of the night like a child? She was scared to wonder what must he think of her.

To her surprise his reaction to her tears wasn’t to tell her she was being silly, or that it was just a dream and she shouldn't let it get to her. Instead he pulled her to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her. One hand cupped the back of her head, hiding her face in his bare shoulder as the other one splayed across her back holding her close to him.

“I’m here Noara, I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered into her hair, his voice soft.

She let go of her arms and wrapped them around his waist, fingers brushing across his bare skin. She cried against his shoulder for several minutes before she managed to get a hold of herself. Somehow his reassurances had made her cry harder than she had been before, the shock of relief at feeling him physically there, hearing his heartbeat in her ear. The steady rhythm, proof of his good health is what helps her regain some control. The soothing beat lulled her from outright sobs to sniffs and stray tears as her exhaustion started to get the better of her. She sagged against him tiredly before straightening to move away, intent on thanking him, apologizing again, and heading back to her bed.

When she tried to step away to speak to him, Torian surprised her by sweeping her up into his arms.

She yelped, throwing her arms around his neck. “Torian, what are you doing?”

“You’re exhausted, I’m taking you back to your room,” he stated matter of factly.

Too tired to argue with him, she relaxed in his arms and decided to enjoy this while she could.

It didn’t take him long to reach her quarters and thankfully no one saw them during the journey, that would have been fun to explain when Lana and Theron inevitably heard about it. Once in her room he didn’t hesitate to walk directly to her bed, setting her down on the edge of it. Before she could protest he was leaning over and pulling her boots off her feet. Her robe was the next to go before she was crawling under the blanket he had pulled back for her.

When she was situated, lying on her side to face him and covered in her blanket, he knelt down next to her bed-a mirror echo of earlier at his bedside.

He reached for her and for a moment she thought he was going to touch her face but he hesitated and instead placed his hand over hers.

“Promise me. Next time you will come get me, even if the dream isn’t about me, that you’ll talk to me. I’ll do anything I can to help you, you know that right?” His voice is level and serious, she can tell how sincere his words are. 

She nodded, smiling sleepily at her. “Okay, I promise. Thank you Torian.”

He returned her smile, squeezing her hand comfortingly before standing to leave. She felt better, having spoken to him, even though she was embarrassed at having cried all over his chest, but as he turned to leave her fear started to return. She could feel it, creeping up in the back of her mind and making her heart rate speed up. She didn't want to be alone again, couldn't stand it. Not tonight. Torian had barely made it down the steps in the middle of the room before she sat up and called out his name.

“Torian,” she said before stopping herself, feeling suddenly insecure. “Nevermind, it’s silly.”

He folded his arms across his chest and Noara, even as tired and emotionally drained as she is, finds herself distracted by the way his muscles move at the gesture.  

“You promised, remember?”

She stared at him for a long moment before running her hand through her hair and taking a deep, steadying breath to build up her nerve. “Would you stay?”

Torian’s eyes widened in surprise and he dropped his arms down to his side.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “You don’t need to, I’ll be fine.”

He shook his head and smiled at her, “it’s no trouble. I can stay.”

She smiled gratefully and watched him cross the room to turn the overhead lighting off. Noara could feel the fear in her mind melt away at the reassurance that he wasn’t leaving and laid back down, feeling more at ease before she realized that Torian hadn’t come back over to the bed. She sat back up to see him situating himself on her couch and felt guilty. The couch was comfortable enough for sitting, but she knew it wasn’t the best for sleeping and with his broad build he didn’t fit well on it at all.

Well that just won’t do, she thought. She had already dragged him out of bed in the middle of the night, the least she could do is not force him to sleep on her crummy couch.  

“You don’t have to sleep there, there is more than enough room for us both,” she says, gesturing at the empty side of her bed.

He sat back up and fixed her with a serious stare. “Are you sure?”

She nodded, “yes.”

Noara doesn't lie back down until he stood up and started walking toward her. She was lying on her side when she felt the bed dip slightly behind her as he climbed into the bed. The bed was wide enough that they aren’t touching, but she could feel his presence behind her.

“Thank you Torian,” she said sincerely.

“You’re welcome,” he responded and the sound of him behind her and so close makes her sigh contentedly.

Noara couldn’t remember the last time she felt this safe in her own bed. The reassurance that even if she had another nightmare someone was there, someone she trusted, who wouldn’t look down on her for her weaknesses made her unafraid to fall asleep for the first time in weeks.

It was something she wished she could get used to.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written in response to a prompt of: things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear and took it as things Noara said that Torian wasn't meant to hear.


End file.
